Old habits, talking about the future

Another day, another latte, another chicken sandwich, this has now become my routine, and I'm quite liking it. It's helping me to relax, although my mind is racing at 120mph. I'm thinking of a number of things simultaneously and the only way to pick them apart and organise them is to keep endless lists - things to remember, things to do, things to sort through, and so on. I have 3 notepads and a diary in my bag that I carry in and out of the college I'm testing. Sitting here freezing my buns off in this a/c'ed building, people would never be able to survive in the heat if the air conditioning ever broke down. It's funny, at the end of the day when my dad comes to pick me up after he's done at the office, I go out five minutes early, just so that I can stand in the sun. I'm wearing my headscarf and abaya, but being able to thaw out and slowly get toasty under the sun in the 34 degree heat.



Yesterday, my mother came home from in the afternoon, and as per usual we made a pot of tea and sat on the couch and got talking. Yesterday's theme was about housing and what I planned to do about it in future.* We spoke about buying and renting places in London, how when I finally get comfortable with my (hopefully) stable career in either academics or publishing that I wouldn't mind moving further into the city. I'd either move in on my own (which I'm not sure I really want to do at this point) or move in with a friend/housemate.

I've never known what it was like to live on my own. That week I spent at home on my own while my grandmother went away for a week is not what I consider living on my own. I never felt that I was alone because I knew it was for only a short period of time and that my grandmother was only on holiday. Then travelling for conferences and staying on my own isn't the same thing either. I would like to know what it is like to be a grown up at some point, a responsible, truly independant grown up, and really know what life is like. Although I have to admit, I'm very happy the way it's working now - how I'm being eased into it slowly, that works for me. One stress and possible break down at a time.

"It won't be lattes every day and buying Lancome mascara all the time." my mother said. I smiled at her and said, "I know, that's what I'm looking forward to, learning to grow up." She admitted that she'd never be completely happy with the idea of me moving in with someone, even if it was another girl, but at the same time, she also knew that it may happen at some point if my career required it. But I think the fact that I knew I wouldn't be ready to do that as soon as I graduate was something that gave her some reassurance.

For the time being, I'm happy with how my life is... in fact I'm very comfortable with the way my life is. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared about how my life will be after I graduate (oh gosh, and then that's ANOTHER worry). Wondering what will happen when I finish my PhD - the exciting possibilities are probably what help balance out the realistic worries and anxieties that it may just all come crashing down. Thankfully I know that I have my mother to depend on should the latter ever happen (God willing it doesn't).

*My train of thought was greatly disturbed when my sister decided to pull an (admittedly incredibly good) prank as part of April Fool's. Because she did it 3 minutes to noon, I did not have time or chance to get her back. But one day, I shall.... ooooh and it shall be good.

What do I come back to?

So I've been back for a little over a month now, and my sanity is still in tact. In fact, I'm a lot more mellow than I thought I would be, which is a good thing. I think it's because I have my research to distract me that allows me to keep that balance in my brain, and that when I want to relax, I really can. I've seen a few friends, but I'm not as antsy as last time I was here to see everyone because at this point it's my research that's getting in the way. However those who I have seen have told me the same thing (bar one). When they ask me how I'm doing in England and if I'm enjoying my PhD. When I tell them that I'm really happy there, they all then put a loving hand on my arm or shoulder and say, "stay there." That's not meant as an insult, it's meant as loving advice from one woman to another. They've known freedom, they've tasted independance and then had to come back to a life where everything is boiled down to whether you can get a man to do it for you because you sure as hell can't. To a place where there is no life other than work (if you're lucky enough to even like your job), going out shopping, going out to restaurants or going out to see friends/socialise.

Each friend/cousin/aunt who's seen me asks me what my life is like these days. It's almost as if they're asking me about a true love that I just adore, my face lights up, a smile spreads and I tilt my head to the side. Just by that look people can tell just how happy I am to be in London. I'll tell them that I'm happy and that life there is just how I've always wanted it to be, that although it's expensive, it's sometimes cold and dreary, there's always something to do and something to love. I don't go into too much detail into life in London because I'd hate for them to gossip or think I've gone mad living there away from my dad, but they can see how different things are for me and how content I am with life there.

And each time I'm done, they will always ask me, "Will you come back after you've finished your studies?" And each time I'll shrug and reply, "If there's a job here for me, then we'll see. For now I'll just see who wants me or picks up my CV." But they can see the glint in my eye and the corners of my mouth twitch, and they know that I secretly do not want to come back. They know that I cannot let on that I have no real intention of coming back, but that I'm not going to start rumours by flat out refusing to come back.

And each time I politely answer, they will lovingly warn me not to come back. If I value my sanity and happiness, I should not come back. To come back would turn me into one of them, a drone in a society where everything is superficial and progress is at a snail's pace. An aunt, who I have to admit is one of my favourites, told me not to come back. "What would you come back to? A job you hate? Marriage? Your dad? Trust me, stay in England, be happy, don't come back." It's funny how all the women (again, bar one) feel the same way. It's like getting a verbal, loving hug.

However, like this single woman who does not agree with the other women, the men have a different opinion of what I should do. They, of course, think I should come back once I'm done. I ask them why. They all say, "Because you're one of us and you need to start your life here again. You'll get a great paying job, be pampered at home and then you can settle down at get married." That last line always sticks in my craw. It makes me dig my heels into the ground and scowl at them. My favourite cousin and closest friend actually said that. When he came to see me in England, and he could see just how happy I was, his main concern was "and what happens when you want to get married?" I couldn't believe that was his main concern about my life - my life, as a woman would not be complete or fulfilled if I did not get married. How sexist can you get?

I look at life here and I realise that to come back here, to make my roots again, would be the hardest ever. When I was 12 and moved here, it took me 8 years to settle and become happy. Now that I'm 27, I think I'm too old for that. I'm already settled, I'm already happy with what I have. I'm tired of moving and I don't have the energy - physically and emotionally to do it anymore.

So maybe London is my true love, something that I can't bare the thought of being parted from. It took me 10 years to get back, it was my goal for a whole decade, do they really think I'd want to give that up?

*Song of the moment: "In The Waiting Line" Zero 7

The trick is to keep going...

Resolution recap:

resolution #2: So far I have tickets to 2 shows before I travel for my data collection. I have tickets to see Avenue Q (birthday present for a girlfriend) and tickets to see The Mikado (taking my grandmama). I've seen Avenue Q and always promise myself that I'd go and see it again, but in better seats. When I found that my student discount card could be used for just that with better price tags, I jumped at the opportunity and bought two tickets in the Royal Circle. As for the Mikado? Well, it's one of those ones that you always hear made fun of or talked about, and I wouldn't mind seeing exactly why.

However, on seeing how my plans with my data collection are slowly changing I'm wondering if it's possible to cancel all my plans that week to run around the rest of England to get everything done. We'll see.

resolution #4: An image came to me the other day while I was washing my face. It was the last time I sat on my best friend's couch and I was going to start my PhD. I had spent 3 months back home and although I didn't see her as often as I could (complications with my dad), we were still as close as ever. She was my best friend through uni, one of the teachers in my department and had tried (unsuccessfully) to set me up with her adorable brother. We sat on the couch that night talking about a number of things, everything. Suddenly it hit us that we were going to be apart for a long time, and both of us burst into tears. We'd spent nearly a year apart when I was doing my masters, but this was different. We'd grown so close working together, and this was heartbreaking for both of us. This wonderful, kind, caring, funny person was not going to be around to cheer me up or take care of me when I felt down. I loved her so much, to the point where I felt I could cry freely in her presence. We sat there hugging each other and crying into each other's shoulder.

I hadn't thought of that evening for so long - I hadn't thought of my friend! I sent her a text immediately. I'd felt awful that I hadn't contacted her in over a year (since she started applying to do her masters). I felt like a terrible friend for forgetting one of the most precious people in my life. I sent her a text telling her exactly how I felt and how much I missed her. I immediately got a call back. She sounded sombre and quiet, something I wasn't used to from such a loud, vivacious character and it kind of threw me off. She said she was boarding a plane to Dubai, "I'm doing my masters there." I congratulated her and didn't hide my excitment even though it sounded like she was telling me that she was ordering a pizza. She'd just finished her first term and would be there for another year and a half as they worked according to the American system. Her husband and daughter moved with her and the transition had been easier than they thought. I promised her (and myself) that I'd make sure we'd stay in touch, at least through small emails and texts if nothing else.

When I put the phone down, I was petrified I'd done some irrepairable damage. Hopefully I'll be more careful with my friends.

resolution #7: Although I spent yesterday bowling with the girls, and with the token male friend, I walked home thinking "I should be out stomping down a dance floor." I texted a friend to ask her if she was free next Saturday night. Apparently she was also in the mood for dancing, and much like me found that work was a better excuse to stay in this weekend (no trains are running today and so I've decided to start editing my writing). However, next weekend we have picked a place to go dancing and intend of looking glamourous doing it!

Now to crack on with the others and keep it up!!

New Year's Resolutions - 2008

I've never really made resolutions before, so here goes:

1. Stop thinking and pining for T-shirt man: I need to stop. The man clearly does not share the same feelings as I do. He does not meet up when I want to, but he will reply to texts or forwards I send. If I come to the games, I now just wave to the lads or we just say hello. No, he comes over to me, sometimes from the other side of the pitch to come over and give me a peck on the cheek. When we say goodbye, he makes sure we say goodbye to one another. No more! My horoscope said that I was in torment over a relationship I had with someone, and how that person is still in my life. However, I'm not sure if I want to keep that person in my life or not - but I should weigh my options carefully and really think whether I can live without this person or not. Twenty minutes later I received a text from him wishing me a Happy Christmas. I need to end my torment. I haven't wished him a Happy New Year - it pains me but it's for the best.

2. Get more culture: I need to go to more galleries, more theatre shows, watch more interesting cinema. My research cannot be used as the excuse as to why I don't add more culture to my life.

3. Make more girlfriends: Making the guest list for my birthday this week was shocking. I found the ratio of men to women was appalling. It's true that because I support the football team it kind of throws the balance a little, but it is no excuse. I have four girlfriends who I consider to be truly close, but that's not good enough. I need to make more effort! It's true that I find it so much easier to make male friends than it is to make female friends and that I befriend my male friend's girlfriends very easily (yes that's quite a brain twister), but that doesn't make them my girlfriends. No, I need to make more girlfriends and open myself up more.

4. Keep better contact with old friends: I'm going home for two months from February. I plan on spending at least two weeks catching up with all my friends. I've spent over a year away from them and I'm going back for research - but I'm also treating it as a holiday. Although I need to make more friends, I should not lose the ones I already have, especially those who have stuck with me at my worst times. But that goes the same for the ones here in England. There are so many friends that I've lost touch with and it's sad because they are people who I don't want to lose. No, I need to move my arse more and keep better contact with as many people as possible (I need to be realistic, I can't just change my laziness over night!).

5. Do more housework: I don't know how to iron, I hardly help around the house - it's disgusting. If I end up living on my own, which I really hope happens once I finish my degree and start working, I do NOT want to end up living in a pig sty. No, I want to be able to look after myself and basic housework skills are what I really need. So I will hopefully be more helpful around the house.

6. Don't always say 'yes' to dates: I was asked out to dinner by someone in the lab I was doing my research in. I didn't think he was my type at all, but thought because of his polite and friendly manner I would give his personality a chance. Not only was I let down greatly, but thanks to his friends I was humiliated in front of a lab when his absence was explained to another friend of his as his avoidance of meeting me! The next time I'm asked out on a date, I'll only say yes to those I'm actually attracted to - to hell with giving the 'good personality' ones chances.

7. Go dancing with the girls more: The nights when I've gone out in mixed groups, I've always had a good time. I love dancing as I can never contain myself around good music. When I went out with only my girlfriends for a night of salsa music I was truly in heaven. Never had I had as much fun with friends as I did that night. I loved just bring with a group of girls dancing, chatting and enjoying ourselves with some good, clean fun. A night I hope to repeat many times over.

8. Go to the cinema with a friend once a month: A girlfriend that is. I had more fun going out with my girlfriend to watch a movie and have dinner, than I did on any date I've ever had. The company was amazing, the movie was funny and the food was delish. I had the best night ever and managed to get home in time to watch my favourite program. A resolution I should keep at least once a month.

There are probably other resolutions I should make, ones that would improve me to a better degree, ones that would truly shape me into a better human being.

Happy New Year to all and may this year best one of the best that each of us has!

It's 1:30pm, and I've basically been out of the house to catch a train, find out mid-journey that the person I was meeting for lunch is cancelling (after I asked if we were still meeting - so I wouldn't have known if it was cancelled until I got there) and make my way home to pick up my camera. I was going to kill some time before I got and meet someone else to help me with my research, take some pictures on this beautiful sunny autumn/wintery day. Only to get a call a half hour after I got home from a friend to tell me that the person cannot meet me as they have the flu. I wasn't upset, but I am now disappointed because I realised I had no real reason to go out.

I'm past the days when I walked out for a pointless walk - just to be able to tour around London. It's now gotten to the point where I have to discipline myself that on the days that I'm not running my test is a day I can sit at my desk at home and get on with other things like reading, emailing other schools/universities/social groups to take part in my study. I'm looking at my daily to-do lists (a much better exercise that really boosts my morale as it shows me how much I get accomplished on my slightly slower days - loads of little tasks to do and if they get done it helps) and thinking there's so many meagre things to get done. All things that I really don't want to do because it requires me to interact with people, which I really can't stand to do.

All the while, I'm sitting at my desk and thinking, nay, PRAYING that another day like this comes along. One that is beautiful and sunny so that I can take pictures... go back to enjoying taking pictures of people and graffitti - would love to visit Commerical Street, so much interesting stuff there, like Shepherd Fairy's work! Have to get there soon before it goes...

The pain of being a research student...

I'm looking out the window, and it's the end of another day. My research is trickling down the drain at such as speed that it is now worrying me. I am meant to have 60 people take part in my research and I have only managed to get four people to come in to take my test. 4 out of 60... it is frightening because I could have done more to recruit people, but I am just so lazy.

It has now hit me though just how important my research really is to me - it isn't. If it was, I'm sure I'd show a lot more passion, and lot more enthusiasm and worry for my research, and yet here I am, just feeling a little worried and concerned that those people who said they'd come haven't shown up. I have 3 weeks to go before I give up my right to keep hold of the computer lab for my research. I actually DO have time, but I'm thinking of this in realistic terms, and I realise that come December people will not be bothered to come in because they will have assignments and exams to contend with. I then realise that it's not a matter of I should have done more to recruit people, because I did everything to the letter and I did everything in the time frame I said I would.

Thankfully, during the times I've sat in this rather bleak computer lab I have been able to write more in my thesis and complete a couple of abstracts to submit to conferences about my non-existant data. Writing those abstracts really are a mockery of my work. I'm writing about data I'll have and analyse, then show to the world, when I don't have that data to begin with. People have not come in to submit that information yet for me to analyse just yet! It's so sad because I've been appealing to friends and family, and all I can do is wait. It's frustrating and depressing, and if it weren't for the great supervisor I have ("recruitment is slow and depressing, but please hang in there"), I think I'd just give up.

However though the other day I sat in the research room, and munched on a hot chicken wrap, while I spoke to my sisters in pain. We sat there discussing what our days off were like and I realised that I really wasn't the only one to feel or to go through what I was going through. On your days off, if they can be really called that, you are racked with guilt because you think of what you should be doing and how much work you could be finishing. You never walk around with a small bag because you'll stick at least ONE journal article in there to read on the train or during lunch or something, so that you feel you've done one thing constructive. But the article never leaves the bag and you end up just carrying it around ALL THE TIME. You sit at your desk all day, hoping to write something, or do some work, and nothing comes to you. You sit there thinking that you could go out to get the paper or a coffee, or just for a quick walk and get some fresh air, but you think "NO, I've got to get some work done." but you spend the whole day like that and NEVER get anything done. Nothing gets done that day, and that's how you'll spend it. It would be a blessing if it was just one day that was like that, but you can have a whole week that will be like that. If you read an article, nothing goes in and you wonder just how stupid you are. Or worse, you see others around you are reading books and articles, just charging right through them, and you're just trying to get through one measely article that just about hits 20 pages and you wonder how much you scored on your last IQ test. You constantly question just why you are doing this shit and just who the hell would be interested in what you've got to say. Who is going to read your work again - and then you hear that your friend has finished their PhD and has been encouraged (and actually acheived) to turn their thesis into (not one, but) two books.

Whoever said the life of a PhD student was easy was obviously never a PhD student... especially not one who has to run an experiment. So next time you see a lonely nerd, BE KIND.

Ho hum

Another day, another empty computer lab. My earphones are not working and so I'm sitting here in silence, opening up my documents and writing up my notes saying what I have and haven't done in my research - whoop dee do. I've planned a big night out for my sister and me in London, and at this point I realise just how many times I've told people that "I don't care how many people show up, I just want a fun time." that I realise that the truth is I secretly hope that certain people show up. I look at the number of people I've invited and mentally list the number of people who've said they'd come and think the numbers just don't balance out.



I'm currently semi-seeing someone at the moment. When I told my girlfriend that he wasn't from the team, she cried, "thank f*ck for that!" I'm broadening my horizons I guess. He's 32, 6'2 (my true weakness) and has a great smile. We don't see much of each other because he's constantly traveling for work. He's a lovely guy and is very sweet. I have no problems with him traveling a lot or being extremely busy with work as that allows me my time to do my own work and research without feeling guilty. I just find myself wondering if we are actually a 'good fit'. He's lovely, he's good looking, he's fun (although sometimes I wonder if his idea of fun matches mine) and he's quite the gentleman. I get the little butterflies when I see a message from him and know I'm going to meet him. But at the same time I can't help but wonder just how 'into each other' we really are...



Then something else happens which illustrates just how I really feel about it all, I start thinking about t-shirt man all over again. I've been missing him again and realise that I'm not seeing this new guy to fill in a gap. It's something else. The problem is I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I'm traveling abroad for 3 months as part of my research. This will probably help me to sort my head out as I'll be away from everything and will basically spend my time either relaxing (I haven't visited my family in over a year). I need to distance myself from my London life for a while, take a step back and sort my head out a bit.



This week I thought about it, and finally formed the words to tell someone my idea. When I come back from data collection I'll talk to t-shirt man and see how he feels about giving things another go. He always said to me that when I knew what I wanted to come back to him and we'd see how things would go. Now that I think of it, I wonder if he'd want to. I just don't know if I'd want to go through that humiliation of being turned down and all. But if we do, I also know I run the risk of getting hurt again and even worse. But isn't that the whole point? If you really want that person you'd be willing to risk that?



I guess it all boils down to, do I know what I want and do I want it enough?

Where is everyone?

So basically I've spent the last 6 months of my life constructing a language test that would prove the complexity of my research. I developed 12 sets of the same test - just different versions and orders to counter any priming that may have affected participants' reactions during the tasks. I stayed up nights in front of my computer to know why certain lines were working and others were not. I wrote to the programmers how many times to ask them just why the programming wasn't functioning even though I was using EXACTLY the same jargon as they were with their examples. I ran the test by 6 people to make sure it ran smoothly. I've given my girlfriend headaches, and probably migraines from the number of times I've phoned her to translate things and translate them ASAP. I've been a pain in the ass to my brother in law to type up whatever has been translated, asap. I reserved a lab for 2 months so that I could test people three days a week from 10am to 4:30pm. I sent out maps, directions and listed a work phone number in case they got lost. I rushed paying my school fees to make sure that there were no hiccups in the procedure. I stayed up until 1am this morning to make sure all 12 programs were running smoothly in two languages. I woke up at 6am to get ready and get to campus early, and to fight off all the other vultures that would use the computer lab if they didn't find anyone else using it after 9am. I spent 30mins on a packed train, looking complete disheveled with my face stuck to a glass screen to make sure I got here on time. I skipped breakfast and got tea from a vending machine because I didn't want any excuses of being late.

It is now 3pm, nobody is here - what is wrong with this picture? Maybe it's just today - I really hope so.

If I wanted to get revenge...

...on all my exes to show I was over them, then God has given me the best opportunities this week.

A couple of days ago, I went to my gym for the first time and came out looking ok, I'd managed to blow dry my hair and get my face on before leaving. As I walked home and chatted on the phone to my aunt a handsome Spanish man drove past who looked familiar. It wasn't until we realised we were both staring at each other that we recognised one another. However, neither of us acknowledged the other (I was not in my gym clothes, but 'go to gym' clothes which weren't hideous, but weren't great either). I didn't care much about him, but I'd always hoped that I'd look effortlessly stunning when I'd see him next. Either way, I didn't think about him too much.

Once I got home I changed into better clothes (skinny jeans and long loose fitting black tee that looks cute) and ran out to do some errands. When I made my way home, another ex was on my bus home. Now THAT one I didn't mind seeing me, especially since I looked quite cute. We smiled said hello and I went home feeling pretty good that at how much he was grinning at me.

Today, I went to the hairdressers. I was slightly dubious as I wasn't sure what to expect with this new place and was half expecting to walk out with a mullet. The woman listened to what I tried to describe and I showed her what my hair used to be like and that I wanted to grow it back to that. I couldn't believe my luck when she actually listened to me and managed to make me look good. I walked out feeling confident and happier. I didn't bother changing (except for my scarf and bag with some work in it) and ran out.

I went down to Soho for a coffee and texted a girlfriend to see if she was in town. I sat at my usual haunt and decided to finish some much needed work. I looked at my watch every so often and realised that she must have been in the library. I finished my work and walked to campus with my coffee in my hand. I could feel a slight bounce in my step and didn't feel the need to plug my ears into my music. I'd smudged some black kohl to give me a more rock chick look and felt so glam. I was walking towards Charing Cross Road when I saw a familiar figure in a faded red t-shirt and jeans. The last guy to dump me, t-shirt man. He was deep in conversation with someone and was going to cross the road. I called out to him and he turned to me. At first he didn't really recognise me, but as he walked over a broad grin spread across his face. I felt great, I looked relaxed, cute and he finally got to see the laidback/student-y look I'd been hiding and he said he wanted to see. Although I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks I tried to act natural and was introduced to his friend. We didn't chat for long and I invited him to the party my friend and I are throwing next week. I'd already invited him, but I asked him again as he didn't seem to have gotten my invitation.

I went to see my girlfriend on campus, sure enough she was in the library. We chatted a bit and I told her about who I'd been running into. We giggled to ourselves when I felt a buzz in my pocket. T-shirt man had sent me a text, he liked my new hairdo. "When did you see him today?" My friend asked. "Half an hour before I saw you maybe?" I said. She grinned, "So that's 2 and a half hours he's been thinking about you."

I swear if I wanted to seek revenge on these guys on purpose, I'm sure the chances wouldn't have struck quite so naturally. I can't help but feel smug. I sent an invitation to t-shirt man again, he will try his best to make it and says I look well. I should get a t-shirt saying, "Cat that got the cream."

Let's see what happens at the party.

What if I packed it all in?

"What's the alternative?" he asked me.
"That I pack up and go home." I said.
"That's right. You just do what you've got to do." he said.

I've been rolling it around in my head, am I doing this for all the right reasons? Am I really happy? There's just no clear cut definition to it. I'm counting more low days than high ones. If I do pack up and go home, what would happen?

1) I'd be saying goodbye to the life I now know. No male friends, no boyfriends, no dates, no parties where you'd be dancing and feeling gorgeous. No going out when I feel like it, or just to get a cup of coffee because I just need to stretch my legs. No going out unless I've let my father know I'm going out and asked him. Can't see my friends unless my father knows about it. CON

2) I'd be in a job for life at a university working as a lecturer. I wouldn't pay tax on my pay. I'd be able to save because I'm living with my parents (which isn't a bad thing as I love that house). I'd be working minimal hours and not be hounded to do research all the time. Come and go as I please at my job. PRO

3) Friends - I'd be with all my old girlfriends and not worry about who knows me or who I'm socialising with if I went back because they're most people who I trust implicitly anyway and they're the people who were there for me at my lowest times, they sat around me as my heart broke and I cried. They were there when I laughed and smiled. They're the people who know how my life is and what could happen to me. PRO. I'd lose a lot of friends in London. I wouldn't be able to see half or over half of them again. I'd be forced to cut out a lot of people, which is something I've never done (only willingly or necessity). I'd lose a of people who've seen me in my good times and those who have made me laugh, shown me what life is like when you're an adult. The cheeky people who I'll cradle and hold close to my heart. CON.

4) I'd be a lot more relaxed and mellow. I'd be incredibly laid back and slowly become lazy again. My mind will wander more and I'll be less inclined to read again. My head will be empty of all stresses and good times will flow through it. My work will only occupy my mind during the working hours and never on the weekend. CON.

5) My parents will arrange my marriage. CON - but I trust them and know that they would only want the best for me.

6) It will be until the summer until I come back to London, and even then my dad will only let me go out if he's with me and I'd have to be back at a certain time. I would never be able to roam the street of London, or Soho on my own. CON.

7) Every time I listen to certain bits of music, my heart will break for what I've given up. CON.

8) I would never forgive myself for being so weak... CON.

I need a hug.

A 'missing' feeling...

I just don't know what it is, I'm sitting at my desk as I have been all day, it was a truly beautiful day that I spent inside, at my desk. I was brainstorming and managed to get a few thoughts down, doubt my own study and the participants I was including. I managed to pour my thoughts out to a friend who I sometimes wonder if he just says that I sound weird so that he can be the person to make me feel better? I wrote two long emails to my mum about my work and thoughts, then got chatting to both my parents online at the end of the day. I've had all three meals and contemplating on whether to make myself a cup of tea and see how long I can stay up to work on my chapter.

Then a song comes on, "Melt" by Leftfield. I only heard it once in my 'other home' and straight away it makes me homesick. This feeling of me missing something. I.just.don't.know.what.it.is. This feeling takes over me and for a second I don't know where I am. It didn't last as long as it does sometimes. A couple of seconds and I reminded myself I was in England. But there are times when it lasts for minutes, I sit there in a slight panic, confused as to where I am and what I'm doing.

It's worse when I'm sleeping and I dream that I'm back there, in my big bed, large room and glorious balcony windows. My cat sleeps at the end of my bed and things are how they were. As I slowly wake up, I start to panic as to where I am and it takes me a while to realise that I'm in my much smaller bed, my cat has passed away and things are how they are.

I just feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I thought this was what I wanted. I've never felt so disoriented in my life. During the masters I had even more bouts like these, and a friend said that I didn't feel settled, but that if I were to do my PhD I'd feel more settled and make my roots. It's been two years now... and I still feel as though I'm missing something. I miss my mum, I miss my old life, I miss my cat and I miss my job. I miss my friends, I miss being able to afford things, I miss going out and enjoying my independance. I miss my best friend, I miss my sister, I miss those nights where I'd get calls from friends at 1 or 2am because they just felt the need to talk. I miss how my cousin and I used to talk, before he got married, before we fell out with each other, when we used to be truly close. I miss how I used to go to Jiji's house and just help myself to her fridge. I miss how I'd pick my mum up from work and we'd go shopping, or out for a meal and just talk. I miss how at the end of each working day, while my dad was napping and my mum was at work, I'd boil the kettle, make a pot of tea and wait for my mum to come home and my dad to wake up. We'd drink tea together and just sit and talk, or watch tv. I miss how my cat used to wait for me when I'd come home from work, sitting outside my bedroom, and meow loudly when she'd see me come up the stairs, running to me to give me a cuddle.

I am truly blessed for the experience I'm getting now. But I can't help but wonder, will I ever get over this feeling of being disoriented? Will I ever get my bearings? I'm sitting at my desk, and I feel dizzy. I think I need to finish my PhD, and then we'll see where I land.

Who's a pretty bird?

It's been a while since I've sat at my fish tank and really watched the world for a while. Today, however, was not going to be one of those days when I could. I wanted to kill time before I met a friend after work, and decided that I could also do some marking for my supervisor. I walked in with a familiar air and hugged one of my favourite baristas, an Italian girl with my kind of hint of chic about her (I just love her eyes, perfectly ott without looking awful). We chatted a bit before I got my coffee and took up a seat in front of the window. I pulled out an essay and started reading through it.

I was halfway through this rather awful piece of work (I saw my former self in it quite a bit, which made me cringe quite a bit - and hopefully I'll never go back there), when I looked up I saw a somewhat odd thing. As I've said before, the best thing about Soho is that it is open to anything, and you are bound to see everything there. It was a woman crossing the street with a grey parrot perched on her shoulder. I think it was the non-chalant way this woman was going about her business, or perhaps the fact that only ONE person actually turned to watch this person walk by (other than myself), everyone else walked passed her, on their own business. Nobody took the time to look at this woman with a parrot on her shoulder. How many people had passed her and muttered "argh!" as they saw her? How many people looked on in wonder as they watched the bird sit there calmly as it was being given a free ride? How many people wondered why it wouldn't fly off her shoulder? Or perhaps, how many of its feathers had been clipped to present it from flying off?

It struck me that although this woman and her bird were probably not the most peculiar things you'd come across in London, it was still one of those moments that caught you off guard. And one of those moments that brought a strange smile to your face...

** There's going to come a time when I'm not going to be tormented by him, or the memory of his smile. There's going to come a day when I don't show a side that I thought didn't exist. There's going to come a day when I'm actually going to be in control of my feelings, thoughts and concentration. For now though, I'll let my mind wander as my eyes scroll over the words on the page... **

Tea pot head

I have gone back to my old ways, and damn have they come back with a vengeance (f*** the spelling, I'm in no mood to check it). I've locked myself in my room, and thankfully it is for all the right reasons. My work is spread out before me, to my right (all over my bed) and behind me (on the floor). I have finally started writing. It's baby steps at the moment as I'm writing my first draft, 5 pages handwritten and when I type it up, I panic over how juvenile it sounds and wonder just how I could tweak it so that my supervisor won't tell me once again that it's "not at that standard yet".

I've gone through two mugs of tea (it holds about 300ml?) and I'm still feeling the urge to make myself another mug (God bless Tetley's for making those drawstring tea bags). People think I'm mad for having so much caffiene, but in all honesty that's not why I drink it. For some strange and unapparent reason I need a hot beverage as I work. Whether it's reading or writing, I need something like tea or coffee to be around me while I work. I think it serves as some kind of relief or break as I pause for thought or something. My dad tried to make me stop once as he didn't think it was right that someone so young should be drinking so much tea. It wasn't bad in the beginning, until the mugs started getting bigger. When I got my last mug he just flipped and said I was becoming ridiculous in trying to find a bigger mug. So I reasoned with him that it was to make up for my tiny size. He didn't find that cute, and forbade me to find a bigger mug.

Once friends found out how big my mugs were and how much tea I was drinking, I happily earned the nickname 'Teapot head'. I loved it. When I moved to London and couldn't bring my crockery, I went out to find myself a mug. It wasn't exactly the same, but I managed to find my size and proudly showed it off to my gran. She was shocked that I felt I needed a mug of that size, but my little cousin burst out with "awww! I want one!" Well child, when you hit your 20's and find the superficial need for caffiene and hot drinks, you can have one. For now, (while you're 8) you can have those titchy ones!

In all honesty, it's probably the reason why I love the Starbucks on Wardour Street, why I loved studying there. It was a comfort zone for working as I'd sit by the window sill with a big mug of coffee and just get on with a bit of work. My favourite library in Chancery Lane does not allow food or drink inside, but while I was finishing off my MA dissertation I got in the habit of filling up my thermos at the local Starbucks and slipping it into my bag as I went passed security. When I used to spread my work out at my cubicle nobody said anything as they saw the steaming thermos sitting on my desk.

Ugh, I've ranted again. Or maybe I haven't? Another reason why I love the winter is because I can have my hot drinks all the time... lovely!

Obssessive Compulsive Distractions...

I realise more and more that I don't necessarily fall in love with men, I just move from one obssession to the next. Something to take up all my energy and concentration, just a huge distraction and really it's killing me. I'm not just lonely, but I realise I'm not here for the right reasons and I really have to start getting my priorities straight. My work is failing and almost non-existant even though I smile and say everything is ok, but the truth is, I haven't done a lot and it's starting to worry me. I'll read a paper, or a book, scan the words on the page and nothing sinks in. I'll look at numbers, figures, graphs, statistics, and none of it will make sense. I realise that I'm slowly sinking away from my work and really it's something that I used to enjoy.

I loved sitting in the library and spreading my work before me on the table as I went through books and journals, articles and chapters of numerous research, works, definitions, findings, experiments, theories, models... I loved it. I loved searching for things and finding some really interesting bits of info and following those leads a little. I was able to generate ideas and hypotheses like mad, my 'thinking journal' constantly open so that I could jot down any ideas within it. I was good!

Now? My brain wanders, unattended and unsupervised, and I don't know when it comes back. I get distracted so easily and over stupid things. But I also thinking about the wrong things...

For now, it's really only one thing that's on my mind... well, one person. He's there, at the back of my mind at different times of the day. I'll walk around London and think "where is he today?" I'll remember something he's said, something he's done, a look he'll have on his face. His hugs, his scent, his grin, the way his eyes light up when he talks... I feel stupid around him, realise that I've done so little in life compared to him and yet I don't know a lot about him. Yet when he grins you just know how much he's seen. I don't need to close my eyes to think of him. He's there the moment I drop my guard.

My sister thinks I'm foolish for liking someone like that. I know it's more than just looks. But I also can't help but think, "what are you waiting for? What's stopping you? I'm right here." I hate games. I hate fuss. I hate when people can't be straight with me. And I'm not patient enough to play hard to get. You either like me or you don't, allow me to move on.

I know why I get obsessive... if I can't figure it out, if I don't have the answer, I need to know what it is. And if I'm truly interested, I'll keep at it until I get what I want. That's my problem. Now to transfer that to my work...