Old habits, talking about the future

Another day, another latte, another chicken sandwich, this has now become my routine, and I'm quite liking it. It's helping me to relax, although my mind is racing at 120mph. I'm thinking of a number of things simultaneously and the only way to pick them apart and organise them is to keep endless lists - things to remember, things to do, things to sort through, and so on. I have 3 notepads and a diary in my bag that I carry in and out of the college I'm testing. Sitting here freezing my buns off in this a/c'ed building, people would never be able to survive in the heat if the air conditioning ever broke down. It's funny, at the end of the day when my dad comes to pick me up after he's done at the office, I go out five minutes early, just so that I can stand in the sun. I'm wearing my headscarf and abaya, but being able to thaw out and slowly get toasty under the sun in the 34 degree heat.



Yesterday, my mother came home from in the afternoon, and as per usual we made a pot of tea and sat on the couch and got talking. Yesterday's theme was about housing and what I planned to do about it in future.* We spoke about buying and renting places in London, how when I finally get comfortable with my (hopefully) stable career in either academics or publishing that I wouldn't mind moving further into the city. I'd either move in on my own (which I'm not sure I really want to do at this point) or move in with a friend/housemate.

I've never known what it was like to live on my own. That week I spent at home on my own while my grandmother went away for a week is not what I consider living on my own. I never felt that I was alone because I knew it was for only a short period of time and that my grandmother was only on holiday. Then travelling for conferences and staying on my own isn't the same thing either. I would like to know what it is like to be a grown up at some point, a responsible, truly independant grown up, and really know what life is like. Although I have to admit, I'm very happy the way it's working now - how I'm being eased into it slowly, that works for me. One stress and possible break down at a time.

"It won't be lattes every day and buying Lancome mascara all the time." my mother said. I smiled at her and said, "I know, that's what I'm looking forward to, learning to grow up." She admitted that she'd never be completely happy with the idea of me moving in with someone, even if it was another girl, but at the same time, she also knew that it may happen at some point if my career required it. But I think the fact that I knew I wouldn't be ready to do that as soon as I graduate was something that gave her some reassurance.

For the time being, I'm happy with how my life is... in fact I'm very comfortable with the way my life is. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared about how my life will be after I graduate (oh gosh, and then that's ANOTHER worry). Wondering what will happen when I finish my PhD - the exciting possibilities are probably what help balance out the realistic worries and anxieties that it may just all come crashing down. Thankfully I know that I have my mother to depend on should the latter ever happen (God willing it doesn't).

*My train of thought was greatly disturbed when my sister decided to pull an (admittedly incredibly good) prank as part of April Fool's. Because she did it 3 minutes to noon, I did not have time or chance to get her back. But one day, I shall.... ooooh and it shall be good.

Looking up for directions

There are times when you sit on your own and you just feel isolated. You picture what the outside world looks like. It hasn't been that long since you last went out, but because you haven't been out regularly or have had that habitual contact with the same people, everything becomes a blur and does not count.

I never thought it would happen to me, but I've reached a point where everything is repetitive. It's scary when you finally understand just what American Psycho (the BOOK) was all about. The repetition, the people, the faces, the rituals... everything becomes routine. You try to break away and yet the thing you do to take a break become the same thing. I used to think walking from Wardour Street to Liverpool Street station was a nice break, listening to the music on my iPod, possibly snapping a few pictures on my camera. But things have become the same. It's scary how you realise that your life has a routine that you thought you were once happy with, but now become lifeless in.

I sit here going through my mobile, looking through the numbers, and with each name I come across there is an excuse not to phone them. They'll be too busy. They will wonder what I want. They'll be asleep at this time of the night. They won't be in the country. Then you realise that you don't want conversation, but just to listen to someone else's voice, because you're tired of hearing your own. It is your voice inside your head and you just want to open it up to someone else, listen to another person. The one or two people you try to reach out to are not available, and that's when it hits you... just how alone you really are.

I am still not sure how to take that. I.am.alone. I'm not sure if that is a bad or a good thing. Is it bad that I don't feel particularly affected by it? Is it good that I feel indifferent to it? Should I be depressed that I'm this apathetic to it all? Should I end it all? Jump off a building and see what happens? Whether I'll hit the ground or fly?

"God gave me style and grace,
"God put a smile upon my face."

I don't know what my goal is in life anymore. I lack true inspiration and I wonder if it has dried up. When I was fighting for my dreams I needed release and wrote. Now, I sit here and wonder, just what happens next? Will I ever snap out of it? Or am I just going to drift along?

I'm not looking for someone to save me, I'm looking for...