Old habits, talking about the future

Another day, another latte, another chicken sandwich, this has now become my routine, and I'm quite liking it. It's helping me to relax, although my mind is racing at 120mph. I'm thinking of a number of things simultaneously and the only way to pick them apart and organise them is to keep endless lists - things to remember, things to do, things to sort through, and so on. I have 3 notepads and a diary in my bag that I carry in and out of the college I'm testing. Sitting here freezing my buns off in this a/c'ed building, people would never be able to survive in the heat if the air conditioning ever broke down. It's funny, at the end of the day when my dad comes to pick me up after he's done at the office, I go out five minutes early, just so that I can stand in the sun. I'm wearing my headscarf and abaya, but being able to thaw out and slowly get toasty under the sun in the 34 degree heat.



Yesterday, my mother came home from in the afternoon, and as per usual we made a pot of tea and sat on the couch and got talking. Yesterday's theme was about housing and what I planned to do about it in future.* We spoke about buying and renting places in London, how when I finally get comfortable with my (hopefully) stable career in either academics or publishing that I wouldn't mind moving further into the city. I'd either move in on my own (which I'm not sure I really want to do at this point) or move in with a friend/housemate.

I've never known what it was like to live on my own. That week I spent at home on my own while my grandmother went away for a week is not what I consider living on my own. I never felt that I was alone because I knew it was for only a short period of time and that my grandmother was only on holiday. Then travelling for conferences and staying on my own isn't the same thing either. I would like to know what it is like to be a grown up at some point, a responsible, truly independant grown up, and really know what life is like. Although I have to admit, I'm very happy the way it's working now - how I'm being eased into it slowly, that works for me. One stress and possible break down at a time.

"It won't be lattes every day and buying Lancome mascara all the time." my mother said. I smiled at her and said, "I know, that's what I'm looking forward to, learning to grow up." She admitted that she'd never be completely happy with the idea of me moving in with someone, even if it was another girl, but at the same time, she also knew that it may happen at some point if my career required it. But I think the fact that I knew I wouldn't be ready to do that as soon as I graduate was something that gave her some reassurance.

For the time being, I'm happy with how my life is... in fact I'm very comfortable with the way my life is. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared about how my life will be after I graduate (oh gosh, and then that's ANOTHER worry). Wondering what will happen when I finish my PhD - the exciting possibilities are probably what help balance out the realistic worries and anxieties that it may just all come crashing down. Thankfully I know that I have my mother to depend on should the latter ever happen (God willing it doesn't).

*My train of thought was greatly disturbed when my sister decided to pull an (admittedly incredibly good) prank as part of April Fool's. Because she did it 3 minutes to noon, I did not have time or chance to get her back. But one day, I shall.... ooooh and it shall be good.

Non-Date Jitters

Ok, this is truly unusual. I'm sitting at my desk, my hair is done, my make up is finished and my nails are dry. My only worry at this point is whether I should put another coat onto my black nails. I've been sitting at home fretting, semi-waiting by the phone, wondering if I'd get that dreaded call of cancelation. Would I end up sprucing myself up for nothing? Sitting at home, all dressed up and no place to go (I'm sure I would have found myself wandering over to Guanbara later on). My mind wandering a little as to how the evening would go - would we get along? Would there be a lot of awkward silences? Would the evening be a complete let down? Would the music not be to my taste? Or the company even?

How should I dress? Should I take an extra pair of flat shoes for my walk home in? Should I wear my silky flower top with black lace trim on the bottom? Or should I go for a dress? Or should I just go for my black tank top and jeans? Either way, I'll be wearing my black satin heels with black bows... I have to if I want to be seen by a man who's 6'5. Should I have put my hair up? Maybe put a couple of rollers in? Should I tie my hair back with a black ribbon?

Should I wear my usual long gold chain? Should I wear my fan or chain earrings? How many bangles should I wear? Should I even bother with a bag? Especially if I expect to dance in a place that may not even have a cloakroom? I'll leave my lips natural, put some glistening balm, I prefer my lips nude when I have darkly made eyes. Maybe I should add a little blush... don't want to look so goth.

We're going to a Cuban restaurant I've been to for lunch before. I've never been to it at night, so it should be an interesting experience, although at this point I'd much prefer going to Guanabara...

All this does help the fact that I feel slightly jittery, I have those little butterflies - something I haven't felt for a long time, unusual. I'm looking forward to the evening and yet at the same time I'm dreading it. I'm not looking forward to the possibility that it may be a complete disaster. That we may be completely unimpressed by the other... I'd be so embaressed if I found that he didn't like me...

The worst part is, this isn't a date! It was never intended to be one! It's just two people who met randomly, got talking, swapped numbers and decided to stay in touch. I was looking for someone to come out with me for a few drinks and then we made plans to meet tonight instead. I didn't intend for it to be a date just spending the evening out with company - so why on earth am I so bloody well nervous?!