Obssessive Compulsive Distractions...

I realise more and more that I don't necessarily fall in love with men, I just move from one obssession to the next. Something to take up all my energy and concentration, just a huge distraction and really it's killing me. I'm not just lonely, but I realise I'm not here for the right reasons and I really have to start getting my priorities straight. My work is failing and almost non-existant even though I smile and say everything is ok, but the truth is, I haven't done a lot and it's starting to worry me. I'll read a paper, or a book, scan the words on the page and nothing sinks in. I'll look at numbers, figures, graphs, statistics, and none of it will make sense. I realise that I'm slowly sinking away from my work and really it's something that I used to enjoy.

I loved sitting in the library and spreading my work before me on the table as I went through books and journals, articles and chapters of numerous research, works, definitions, findings, experiments, theories, models... I loved it. I loved searching for things and finding some really interesting bits of info and following those leads a little. I was able to generate ideas and hypotheses like mad, my 'thinking journal' constantly open so that I could jot down any ideas within it. I was good!

Now? My brain wanders, unattended and unsupervised, and I don't know when it comes back. I get distracted so easily and over stupid things. But I also thinking about the wrong things...

For now, it's really only one thing that's on my mind... well, one person. He's there, at the back of my mind at different times of the day. I'll walk around London and think "where is he today?" I'll remember something he's said, something he's done, a look he'll have on his face. His hugs, his scent, his grin, the way his eyes light up when he talks... I feel stupid around him, realise that I've done so little in life compared to him and yet I don't know a lot about him. Yet when he grins you just know how much he's seen. I don't need to close my eyes to think of him. He's there the moment I drop my guard.

My sister thinks I'm foolish for liking someone like that. I know it's more than just looks. But I also can't help but think, "what are you waiting for? What's stopping you? I'm right here." I hate games. I hate fuss. I hate when people can't be straight with me. And I'm not patient enough to play hard to get. You either like me or you don't, allow me to move on.

I know why I get obsessive... if I can't figure it out, if I don't have the answer, I need to know what it is. And if I'm truly interested, I'll keep at it until I get what I want. That's my problem. Now to transfer that to my work...