Heartbroken

It's happened, again. I allowed myself to like another person, to be with someone who makes my heart glow, puts a smile on my face, and makes me melt when they wrap their arms around me. BD and I ended things. I knew it was going to happen. It wasn't a fight, it wasn't an argument or frustration with each other, it was just us, hitting a brick wall.

I'm sitting here, telling myself I'll live. I probably will. I'll probably get a lot more work done. I'll be able to attend a lot more football games. I won't feel so bad wanting to go to parties, or wanting to take a girlfriend with me. I'll wake up tomorrow morning, get changed and go out to spend the day with a friend (although I'm actually wondering if that may fall through too). I'll go shopping anytime I want. One less birthday to think about. One less person to fuss over.

But I don't fuss over many people. He wasn't just anyone. He was someone who wanted to be let in, so I let him in. I'm not sleepy. I'm not tired. I know I won't sleep anytime soon. Why did he ask for a second chance? Why did he tell me that he wants to be friends? I don't hate him. But I know tomorrow, I'll feel hollow. I'll need to cry a little more. I'll need to hurt for a while. I knew this would happen, and I knew it was only a matter of time, but why did he ask for a second chance? Why couldn't he just have let me slip away before?

Why did I have to like this one? Why did I want to take care of him? Why did I want to craddle his head and tell him things would be ok? I didn't need to be strong on the phone, my voice never cracked as the tears ran down my cheeks.

And now... I have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me wonder, should I have fought for him? Should I have been a little more adament and fought for him? To show him just how much I wanted him?

I don't think he understands just how heartbroken I really am about it all. He thinks he's the only one hurting, but he just doesn't realise how much I don't want to think about him right now. He sent me a message later on, telling me how he felt, and how he was proud to call me his girlfriend. I wish he didn't send it. I didn't want to know. We ended things best on the phone, I didn't want to know the last part.

I know of three people who will be happy about this, and they are three people I do not want to talk to at all these days... Well back to being my cynical, cold self - shouldn't be too hard. Right after I stop thinking about him and welling up all the time, feeling that lump rising.