A Well Needed Distraction

Yesterday I spent the evening at the Jazz Cafe in Camden. Although I didn't need to spend the last bit of this week's buget and a bit of next week's one on a night out, I think it did me some good. Recently my work has dwindled to almost a halt and the men in my life have been causing havoc with my mind. I needed to get out of the mess of my head and my room and just enjoy myself. I was sent messages from different people all wondering what I wanted to do on a Saturday night, and only two of them actually had an idea of what to do. I quickly did my hair and make up, put on a sleeveless black top and trousers and ran out in my black satin, peep-toe heels.

I didn't know quite what to expect from the performance of Bugz in the Attic, but I just needed to be around something different. The company were an interesting mix of people who I knew and people who I was bound to meet at some point (not sure if they liked me really - hmmm). Ended up getting my tickets at the door for half-price thanks to a woman giving out flyers for it, and got in the first round. Like I said, I wasn't expecting much, what I got was well worth it. I spent the next four hours forgetting my problems and swaying to the live music around me. At times I'd swap funny stories with my friends and little comments, but most of the time I just forgot about how much I needed to let out what was in my head. One of the boys needed some "fresh air" and so I joined him. We spoke about different musics and people, and because of the lack of deafening beats my head seemed to be unplugged and slowly returning to that mist of what had happened on Thursday night (DAMN THAT MAN!). I stood there with my soft spoken friend, and after he was done with his first cigarette, I asked for a hug. For some strange and unapparent reason, I always ask this particular friend to hug me when we're at parties. There is always something so strangely comforting about them. Although it didn't last long, it was still quite a good one. It was then I realised that there was someone out there who's hugs I preferred a whole lot more and for the time being I just didn't want to think about him.

He finished a second cigarette and we made our way inside. The band had stopped before we left, but now most people were dancing and jigging to the records being played. I felt slightly alien and sorry I didn't order my cab while I was outside. I grabbed my jacket, called a cab and said goodbye to my friends. As I made my way home, my thoughts went back to Thursday night. Unfortunately, they were slightly blurred, but my feelings had also changed. Before I was resolute on a fact and a course of action. Now, although my thoughts were slightly misty with fatigue, I wasn't sure.

Now in the bright light of a beautiful midday in late August I realise just how I feel. I knew how I felt yesterday and how things change. Taking stock of my feelings at this point, I just don't know what I'm feeling. I know what I should do, but then I'm not sure I want to do it. Listening to Kate Nash singing about the rocky parts of her relationship and the crumbling foundations. It makes me wonder if I really need more drama... even if I've been wanting this for so long.

Who knows eh?

*I have a feeling I should have posted the previous post, but I know I'd be giving too much away before the time is right. But then an end point won't be found until I talk things through next weekend... I need to resolve this now that I have my closure.