...comfort of the familiar

"This World" by Zero 7 is playing, again it makes me feel homesick - for London. An odd sensation, still not feeling settled.

On Sunday, I sat with a friend in a room, just the two of us, watching each other. I hadn't seen him for so long, I didn't expect him to change, but on some level it felt different. He's the kind of person you meet where you pick up where you left off, but each time you meet something has changed between you, not necessarily in a bad way, but... I looked away and quietly said, "I still feel lost. Like I lose my balance. There are times when I listen to something and feel a little dizzy." He looked concerned and held my hand - his enormous palm engulfing my child-like fingers. "But you're doing your PhD, I thought that would stop." he said softly, in that lovely deep baritone voice of his. I shook my head. I need to find my feet. He squeezed my hand a little and I smiled.

There are those friends who you miss, there are those friends who you cannot live without and there are those friends who you will never lose. He falls in the last category. We're an odd couple. I never quite understood why he spoke to me to begin with. We were two very different people, we still are on some level, except now, I've learnt to truly trust what he says, really believe. "I'm only friends with those girls I 'click' with mentally, you're one of them. I feel free talking to you because you get me and I get you. The only time I get annoyed with you is when I don't understand what goes on in that little head of yours." he taps my temple. "Like last week, what was all that about? Although now, I understand."

Do I love him? Perhaps. Am I in love with him? Not anymore, thank goodness. He's arrogant, cocky, rude - but he's also one of those people I know who wouldn't judge me. He'll make fun of me, he'll tease me mercilessly about things, but deep down I know he'll be there for me, should I need him. There's just something so addictive about him that if I didn't have him in my life, I know I'd be missing something.

Wonder why "Sinnerman" is playing... what are you trying to tell me Nina?

A 'missing' feeling...

I just don't know what it is, I'm sitting at my desk as I have been all day, it was a truly beautiful day that I spent inside, at my desk. I was brainstorming and managed to get a few thoughts down, doubt my own study and the participants I was including. I managed to pour my thoughts out to a friend who I sometimes wonder if he just says that I sound weird so that he can be the person to make me feel better? I wrote two long emails to my mum about my work and thoughts, then got chatting to both my parents online at the end of the day. I've had all three meals and contemplating on whether to make myself a cup of tea and see how long I can stay up to work on my chapter.

Then a song comes on, "Melt" by Leftfield. I only heard it once in my 'other home' and straight away it makes me homesick. This feeling of me missing something. I.just.don't.know.what.it.is. This feeling takes over me and for a second I don't know where I am. It didn't last as long as it does sometimes. A couple of seconds and I reminded myself I was in England. But there are times when it lasts for minutes, I sit there in a slight panic, confused as to where I am and what I'm doing.

It's worse when I'm sleeping and I dream that I'm back there, in my big bed, large room and glorious balcony windows. My cat sleeps at the end of my bed and things are how they were. As I slowly wake up, I start to panic as to where I am and it takes me a while to realise that I'm in my much smaller bed, my cat has passed away and things are how they are.

I just feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I thought this was what I wanted. I've never felt so disoriented in my life. During the masters I had even more bouts like these, and a friend said that I didn't feel settled, but that if I were to do my PhD I'd feel more settled and make my roots. It's been two years now... and I still feel as though I'm missing something. I miss my mum, I miss my old life, I miss my cat and I miss my job. I miss my friends, I miss being able to afford things, I miss going out and enjoying my independance. I miss my best friend, I miss my sister, I miss those nights where I'd get calls from friends at 1 or 2am because they just felt the need to talk. I miss how my cousin and I used to talk, before he got married, before we fell out with each other, when we used to be truly close. I miss how I used to go to Jiji's house and just help myself to her fridge. I miss how I'd pick my mum up from work and we'd go shopping, or out for a meal and just talk. I miss how at the end of each working day, while my dad was napping and my mum was at work, I'd boil the kettle, make a pot of tea and wait for my mum to come home and my dad to wake up. We'd drink tea together and just sit and talk, or watch tv. I miss how my cat used to wait for me when I'd come home from work, sitting outside my bedroom, and meow loudly when she'd see me come up the stairs, running to me to give me a cuddle.

I am truly blessed for the experience I'm getting now. But I can't help but wonder, will I ever get over this feeling of being disoriented? Will I ever get my bearings? I'm sitting at my desk, and I feel dizzy. I think I need to finish my PhD, and then we'll see where I land.

Close to tears...

You realise it's not that you've taken on too much, but that you haven't organised your time well. If you did you wouldn't:

1) Be feeling the stress of everything over your head.
2) Be feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your family, even though they travelled to see you.
3) Be feeling so very close to tears again... even though you had a good cry the month before.
4) Be trying to fit everything in, including exercise which even your grandmother is telling you to do.

I've turned 26, my eye sight is now going and my knees are starting to act up. My posture is looking more and more like a hobbit. My supervisor has told me that this weekend I am to take my laptop, my outline and go somewhere that I'm comfortable in and just write whatever comes to me. She's asked me to leave my notes behind and just write. She can't stress enough how important it is that I write, I don't think anyone knows how important that I get this upgrade. I'm facing the one problem I didn't think I had - writer's block. I see how my unbelievable procrastination is coming to bite me in the ass.

It's my own fault, and I just pray I survive this one this time.