The 'Fish Tank'

I wasn't honest with a certain Pink Pigeon I know, I've been going down to Soho a lot more often than I should, which is taking time away from my research, but at the same time, something I've been needing. Today I recieved some disappointing news and phoned a girlfriend, I was out buying printer paper, had high heels on and just wanted to sit down. I wanted to go home, or had a snap judgement made, I got impatient and decided to go home, where it's warm and I don't have to worry about moving.

I realised, I go to Soho whenever I need to feel better. I'll get a girlfriend to meet me there, or if we've had lunch, that's the first place we'll think of to go and have a coffee. Whenever one of us is feeling bad or in need of some love, everyone knows I'll most probably be in Starbucks in Wardour Street (well last year I was there nearly all the time, now that I've started my PhD, not so much). But there are quieter times when I sit in that Starbucks and just watch the world go by. It's like sitting in a fish tank and watching life go on, it's so relaxing. I usually sit on one of those high stools in the front windows. I'll have a book, note pad or article to work on while I'm there, but every so often I'll look up and see what people pass by. One time I sat there, with only a cup of coffee in front of me. I ended up just watching the crowd pass by the window.

You'd have those regular people who would just walk past and never look in, going on about their lives, getting on with what they have to do, going through their mental lists, or just singing their theme song in their heads. Then there are those who will briefly look at the people in the front window, like you're a puppy wanting to be bought and panting against the window. Those people will give sly sideways glances to wonder if you are looking at them. When they make eye contact they quickly look away and get embarrassed. Then there are those who will look inside but look passed you, to see how packed/empty the place is, or just because they've made eye contact but move on to see what else is around. Finally there are those who will look at you and brighten your face. They are those who try to connect with you for those few seconds, and will either smile or wink, or even blow you a kiss. It's really their way of tapping the glass to get a reaction. At times I have really had a giggle at how some people will do anything to make you smile, others it's just plain weird. I have to admit though, none brings a smile bigger to my face than seeing a friend walking past the window, to come and meet me.

Everytime I walk to that Starbucks I get a sense of cosiness. It's friendly, it constantly buzzing with life and no matter what, the most interesting looking people walk past, and if you're lucky, they'll also walk in.

Summer Breeze...

Everytime I listen to that song, I get homesick, especially if I hear it in the afternoon or sunsets. On a day like this, a beautiful autumn day like this with a clear sky and bright sun. It reminds me of back home, afternoons in the kitchen watching my parents, or rather my mother watering the plants in the garden. Going around the different patches of basil, rocket salad, bell and chili peppers, watering the jasmins and the gardenias. Checking that the tortoises have plenty of water and veggies to nibble on. Or sitting in the kitchen while my mother makes lunch for the family, chatting to her about my life, telling a few jokes and smiling at how I make her laugh.

I don't know why that song reminds me of her, maybe it's because it's one of her favourites. It's a lovely song, of beautiful afternoons driving around parks and trees. Or just a laid back feeling that you don't want to do anything except enjoy the company of those you are in. Same way I find it hard to listen to Sade, reminds me so much of my mum, one of my most favourite people in this world.

*sigh* I always seem to get like this when it's getting close to me seeing her, be it me going over to her or she coming to see me. She comes in 43 days (God willing), for three weeks. My mum is staying for 3 weeks, hopefully without my dad. I can't wait. She'll be here for Christmas, New Year and most importantly, my birthday. The fabulous woman who I love to make laugh, the person who makes me feel better about myself no matter what, the person I carry around with me every where I go.

Mortification

Defn: The act of embarrassing oneself through clumsy, and almost fatal, accidents or incidents. For example, crossing a road and almost getting hit by a black cab that is using the road to make a 3 point turn because you're too busy watching a beautiful man walking towards you so your head is turned away from said cab and you're busy listening to The Rapture screaming about getting "out of the races and onto the tracks".

And to think, I was trying to look graceful, cool even with my cup of coffee and preppy look before class. What's worse? I managed to spill said coffee a little on my coat, thankfully though, coffee doesn't seem to show on my coat. However, my preppy look got a view looks from a group of school kids obviously out on a field trip, and therefore in their cool gear. Each and every single child (they're teens, but I'm allowed to refer to them as CHILDREN) I passed gave me the once over, especially the girls. Each one of them judging me in my fitted blouse, navy jumper, skinny jeans and sneakers, a cup of coffee and a huge bag filled with my crap (well, books, papers, pencils, pens, but they don't know that). Yet each of them watched me, and all I could think of was, "don't you dare judge me you BRAT!"

Why on earth did I start caring about looking good? Caring about whether I make a complete idiot of myself? Or care about whether I am judged or not? Surely in a place as cosmopolitan and varied as London, I should not have to worry about being judged or having to put on a show. Or maybe that's just it. Because I live in London it's expected of me? All I know is, the day I started wearing make up, the day I started taking care of my appearance, that was the end of me. I was never self-conscious, or at least, not to this degree. Maybe that's what my parents were worried about, and on that fateful day, when I was 17 and woke up with the urge to go to class and put a dab of eyeshadow, my mother's sigh of relief was genuine? That she was truly relieved that I was going to take care of my appearance a little more? Maybe try a little harder to look good?

But that's the problem isn't it? You are then in the habit of always having to look good, be it in appearance or in the actions you take. You set a standard that you kind of feel is hard to break, or am I being a little neurotic here? I don't know what it is, but there is always that little something at the back of my head that constantly wonders what other people think, and I'm constantly analysing and predicting what people might think. It's TERRIBLE! I can't believe how self-conscious I've become. And what's worse is that I get easily embarrassed over the silliest things (I'm sure my spelling in this entry will be one of them). But in all honest I realise that I allow things to get to me (in that way) and for some terrible reason, my mind won't let me forget.

*sigh* I digress and therefore have lost my point... if I had one to begin with.

Winter is coming!

Stayed in today. Winter has hit London now, and honestly, I'm lovin' it! I'm such a winter baby it's not even funny. I LOVE cold weather, I'm no good in hot weather. In cold weather you get to wear scarves and boots, gorgeous coats and lovely gloves. When you drink a hot beverage it's wonderful. When you cuddle up to someone, it's absolutely necessary! *Mind drifts off at this point to a certain cuddle I got in the wee hours of a weekend*

However I stayed in today, and will most probably stay in tomorrow. I have to get some work done. I've been falling behind with my writing and my reading. The pages are in front of me and there are times when I get into it, until I get distracted. Actually Wednesday was my fault. I took work with me while I did some errands, and sat in Soho killing time before I had to go and meet my gran to watch The Da Vinci Code at the Prince Charles cinema. However, as I read I realised that I didn't have to sit here alone, and wondered if a certain person who worked in the area would be interested in joining me for a quick cup of coffee. I got a bit of a surprise when I got a reply from that person saying they wouldn't mind having that coffee... I was told that they'd be done with work after 6 which was good for me as I didn't have to make a move until 7. Now I'm a pain in the ass about punctuality (even though at times I seem to have a minor problem with it), but I'm usually on time to things and I expect people to be on time too. It was 6:50 when I decided to send a text to tell them not to worry about meeting up as I needed to make a move. I was quite sure that the person had forgotten me actually and had left to go home. However, I was pleasantly surprised when they phoned to tell me that they were on their way.

We didn't chat long, but it was still nice to see them. I ran to Leicester Square and caught up with my gran. We had a quick chomp on some Chinese before almost missing out movie (damn those slow waiters! Good thing the food is so good). On the train home I realised that I was lucky to have gloves because it was too cold to be in just a jacket and scarf. As the chilly night time breeze came rushing through those doors of the train, I closed my eyes and realised, another year, another winter, and how lucky I am to be here to experience it again.