It's 1:30pm, and I've basically been out of the house to catch a train, find out mid-journey that the person I was meeting for lunch is cancelling (after I asked if we were still meeting - so I wouldn't have known if it was cancelled until I got there) and make my way home to pick up my camera. I was going to kill some time before I got and meet someone else to help me with my research, take some pictures on this beautiful sunny autumn/wintery day. Only to get a call a half hour after I got home from a friend to tell me that the person cannot meet me as they have the flu. I wasn't upset, but I am now disappointed because I realised I had no real reason to go out.

I'm past the days when I walked out for a pointless walk - just to be able to tour around London. It's now gotten to the point where I have to discipline myself that on the days that I'm not running my test is a day I can sit at my desk at home and get on with other things like reading, emailing other schools/universities/social groups to take part in my study. I'm looking at my daily to-do lists (a much better exercise that really boosts my morale as it shows me how much I get accomplished on my slightly slower days - loads of little tasks to do and if they get done it helps) and thinking there's so many meagre things to get done. All things that I really don't want to do because it requires me to interact with people, which I really can't stand to do.

All the while, I'm sitting at my desk and thinking, nay, PRAYING that another day like this comes along. One that is beautiful and sunny so that I can take pictures... go back to enjoying taking pictures of people and graffitti - would love to visit Commerical Street, so much interesting stuff there, like Shepherd Fairy's work! Have to get there soon before it goes...

The pain of being a research student...

I'm looking out the window, and it's the end of another day. My research is trickling down the drain at such as speed that it is now worrying me. I am meant to have 60 people take part in my research and I have only managed to get four people to come in to take my test. 4 out of 60... it is frightening because I could have done more to recruit people, but I am just so lazy.

It has now hit me though just how important my research really is to me - it isn't. If it was, I'm sure I'd show a lot more passion, and lot more enthusiasm and worry for my research, and yet here I am, just feeling a little worried and concerned that those people who said they'd come haven't shown up. I have 3 weeks to go before I give up my right to keep hold of the computer lab for my research. I actually DO have time, but I'm thinking of this in realistic terms, and I realise that come December people will not be bothered to come in because they will have assignments and exams to contend with. I then realise that it's not a matter of I should have done more to recruit people, because I did everything to the letter and I did everything in the time frame I said I would.

Thankfully, during the times I've sat in this rather bleak computer lab I have been able to write more in my thesis and complete a couple of abstracts to submit to conferences about my non-existant data. Writing those abstracts really are a mockery of my work. I'm writing about data I'll have and analyse, then show to the world, when I don't have that data to begin with. People have not come in to submit that information yet for me to analyse just yet! It's so sad because I've been appealing to friends and family, and all I can do is wait. It's frustrating and depressing, and if it weren't for the great supervisor I have ("recruitment is slow and depressing, but please hang in there"), I think I'd just give up.

However though the other day I sat in the research room, and munched on a hot chicken wrap, while I spoke to my sisters in pain. We sat there discussing what our days off were like and I realised that I really wasn't the only one to feel or to go through what I was going through. On your days off, if they can be really called that, you are racked with guilt because you think of what you should be doing and how much work you could be finishing. You never walk around with a small bag because you'll stick at least ONE journal article in there to read on the train or during lunch or something, so that you feel you've done one thing constructive. But the article never leaves the bag and you end up just carrying it around ALL THE TIME. You sit at your desk all day, hoping to write something, or do some work, and nothing comes to you. You sit there thinking that you could go out to get the paper or a coffee, or just for a quick walk and get some fresh air, but you think "NO, I've got to get some work done." but you spend the whole day like that and NEVER get anything done. Nothing gets done that day, and that's how you'll spend it. It would be a blessing if it was just one day that was like that, but you can have a whole week that will be like that. If you read an article, nothing goes in and you wonder just how stupid you are. Or worse, you see others around you are reading books and articles, just charging right through them, and you're just trying to get through one measely article that just about hits 20 pages and you wonder how much you scored on your last IQ test. You constantly question just why you are doing this shit and just who the hell would be interested in what you've got to say. Who is going to read your work again - and then you hear that your friend has finished their PhD and has been encouraged (and actually acheived) to turn their thesis into (not one, but) two books.

Whoever said the life of a PhD student was easy was obviously never a PhD student... especially not one who has to run an experiment. So next time you see a lonely nerd, BE KIND.

A wonderful holiday - shame it had to end

Yesterday I dropped my mother, sister and nephew at the airport. I had had an amazing time with them, and of course I left them feeling that I didn't spend enough time with them. I loved looking after my nephew (although it certainly sobered me up on ANY broody intentions I MAY have had), and I had a great time showing my sister the sights and highlights of London life. And of course I got to spend a (albeit marginally) little quality time with my mum. My sister was here for 3 weeks and my mother was here for 2. It was a wonderful time and it of course ended all too soon.



For some reason though it was extremely painful for my sister to leave. For the first time in our lives, my sister went out as adults and enjoyed a healthy social and night life. We went out to a gig, went out with friends, went dancing, and she enjoyed dinners out with people she hadn't seen in a while. She had had a wonderful holiday, everyone made sure of it. It was wonderful, and at the same time, understandably hard for her.



Let's put it this way, she had had 3 weeks where she could enjoy herself, leave her little boy at home with one of us (and he was very happy to stay with us) and do what she wanted. She met old friends and made new ones. Then she'd have to jump on a plane and go back to being a prim and proper wife and mum back in a country where there's diddle to do. I went ahead with my mum and the luggage in the car and my sister had to take the train with my nephew (there was no room and no baby seat) and as she phoned me to let me know she was on the train I could hear her voice cracking. I could hear her tears as she said, "I don't want to go." I knew that pain. She asked me not to tell our mum, but I knew how much it was hurting her to leave.



It's the same pain that I am absolutely terrified of feeling, tearing yourself away from a life you truly love and enjoy. She now knew what she was missing, and I'd been the one to give her a taste of it. I should have been more sensitive to it all, as I know what it's like when someone lets you know exactly what you're missing. But she had wanted a holiday she wouldn't forget - so I gave it to her.

Finding that balance of knowing how much fun to have is always tricky. It really depends on the person to find that balance, or learn to be able to cut off from it all. Maybe I'm talking nonsense - maybe I'm bullshitting about it all. How is anyone supposed to be able to cut themselves off from a good thing. I could hardly manage that when it came to some of the men in my life (t-shirt man). It's the tired cliche of "that's what makes us human." but really what else can it be? Responsibility is a bitch, and growing up is part of that. It's a painful process that forces us to make choices that we know we don't like or want to make (again another cliche).

I really wonder sometimes if I've done the right thing for myself by allowing myself to live here and lead this wonderful life. I've spoilt myself and can never go back to my old ways or home. I would not be able to fit in and I'd only be further depressed. I knew when I was 12 that I would have a horrible time moving back, I was right. For six years after that I was miserable, depressed and withdrawn from everyone and everything. I wasn't as social or as open as some and I know sometimes I gave my parents hell. Goodness only knows what I'd do this time around if I had to move back. Shave my head? Keep it constantly short and pixie like? Never get married and constantly go out with friends? Wear a dog collar with "Superior bitch" written on it? Get a tattoo - nah, too permanent and I'd change my mind straight after it.

For my sister, she goes back to a hubby (she took her son along for the holiday), for me it would be worse. I'd be moving back in with my parents. It wouldn't be terrible as I'd have my mother, who I love dearly, my problem would be my dad - how I dread that.

Ho hum

Another day, another empty computer lab. My earphones are not working and so I'm sitting here in silence, opening up my documents and writing up my notes saying what I have and haven't done in my research - whoop dee do. I've planned a big night out for my sister and me in London, and at this point I realise just how many times I've told people that "I don't care how many people show up, I just want a fun time." that I realise that the truth is I secretly hope that certain people show up. I look at the number of people I've invited and mentally list the number of people who've said they'd come and think the numbers just don't balance out.



I'm currently semi-seeing someone at the moment. When I told my girlfriend that he wasn't from the team, she cried, "thank f*ck for that!" I'm broadening my horizons I guess. He's 32, 6'2 (my true weakness) and has a great smile. We don't see much of each other because he's constantly traveling for work. He's a lovely guy and is very sweet. I have no problems with him traveling a lot or being extremely busy with work as that allows me my time to do my own work and research without feeling guilty. I just find myself wondering if we are actually a 'good fit'. He's lovely, he's good looking, he's fun (although sometimes I wonder if his idea of fun matches mine) and he's quite the gentleman. I get the little butterflies when I see a message from him and know I'm going to meet him. But at the same time I can't help but wonder just how 'into each other' we really are...



Then something else happens which illustrates just how I really feel about it all, I start thinking about t-shirt man all over again. I've been missing him again and realise that I'm not seeing this new guy to fill in a gap. It's something else. The problem is I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I'm traveling abroad for 3 months as part of my research. This will probably help me to sort my head out as I'll be away from everything and will basically spend my time either relaxing (I haven't visited my family in over a year). I need to distance myself from my London life for a while, take a step back and sort my head out a bit.



This week I thought about it, and finally formed the words to tell someone my idea. When I come back from data collection I'll talk to t-shirt man and see how he feels about giving things another go. He always said to me that when I knew what I wanted to come back to him and we'd see how things would go. Now that I think of it, I wonder if he'd want to. I just don't know if I'd want to go through that humiliation of being turned down and all. But if we do, I also know I run the risk of getting hurt again and even worse. But isn't that the whole point? If you really want that person you'd be willing to risk that?



I guess it all boils down to, do I know what I want and do I want it enough?

Where is everyone?

So basically I've spent the last 6 months of my life constructing a language test that would prove the complexity of my research. I developed 12 sets of the same test - just different versions and orders to counter any priming that may have affected participants' reactions during the tasks. I stayed up nights in front of my computer to know why certain lines were working and others were not. I wrote to the programmers how many times to ask them just why the programming wasn't functioning even though I was using EXACTLY the same jargon as they were with their examples. I ran the test by 6 people to make sure it ran smoothly. I've given my girlfriend headaches, and probably migraines from the number of times I've phoned her to translate things and translate them ASAP. I've been a pain in the ass to my brother in law to type up whatever has been translated, asap. I reserved a lab for 2 months so that I could test people three days a week from 10am to 4:30pm. I sent out maps, directions and listed a work phone number in case they got lost. I rushed paying my school fees to make sure that there were no hiccups in the procedure. I stayed up until 1am this morning to make sure all 12 programs were running smoothly in two languages. I woke up at 6am to get ready and get to campus early, and to fight off all the other vultures that would use the computer lab if they didn't find anyone else using it after 9am. I spent 30mins on a packed train, looking complete disheveled with my face stuck to a glass screen to make sure I got here on time. I skipped breakfast and got tea from a vending machine because I didn't want any excuses of being late.

It is now 3pm, nobody is here - what is wrong with this picture? Maybe it's just today - I really hope so.