Is it right to miss him?

Is it ok that I miss him? What I'd like to know is why I do? I know why. It was because of that last time I spent with him.

Good grief! What is wrong with me? I'll tell you what is wrong with me. It was the fact that he made it a night never to forget. It was indeed an amazing night and what he did to me I'll never forget, nor will I forgive, because it left me wanting more. Which makes me wonder, if he orchestrated it to have that effect? His words haunt my thoughts, "Come back to me when you know what you want." Those blue eyes looking at me, watching me as his lips are pressed against my fingers and I'm begging him to stop.

I know what I want, I also know what my life is like and I realise that he's not necessarily comfortable with that. So why did he makes things so damn hard for me that night? "Because I want you to give in!" He knew what he was doing. And what's worse, is that I let it happen and worse... why? Because I couldn't help myself. I just sat there relishing in the last moments of the wonderful time we were having. There in front of me was a man who I had just ruined things with, even thought it was inevitable.

The worst part was what he said "You know what? You'll never forget me, because I'll never forget you." I knew he was right. He is right. I can still feel his arms around me, his breath against my face, the way he stretches those limbs of his, his slim frame and his gorgeous black hair. As I dried up dishes tonight I realised just how much I miss him, and I really shouldn't. It was only 3 dates (well, four if we're really counting that breakup as a date). I don't know if I really mourned my loss because there wasn't meant to be one. It was only a handful of dates and yet I can't help but think, shit, I got attached. As I put plates away I realised that I needed to cry or let go. All I know is that according to him, we'll definitely be seeing each other again. Whether he means in the sense that it'll be at events we both know we'll be at, or something resembling our dates I don't know... but I honestly don't know how ok I'd be if I saw him again.

I can't hate him... even though I want to.

Sad but beautiful...

Just how attached can you get after 3 dates with someone? In this case, very. I knew this was coming, I knew things were going to go downhill, I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't know why he wanted to end things in person. Actually, I did, he felt I deserved at least that. Initially I was slightly bitter that he'd be that selfish to seem the bigger person, for not doing it over the phone. When he asked me to say something, I asked him just why he felt he had to do this in person. He was completely taken aback and wondered why I'd not want to do it in person. I said, "Because then when I don't respond and don't know what to say, it's ok." The moment I said it, I knew it was true.

"But I want to know what is going through your head..." he said. I looked out the window, at the rain hitting the garden patio outside. My mouth opened, and that was it. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't worried about what a guy would think of me, I wasn't worried about what he'd say. The flood gates had been opened, and that was it. I told him everything, about my past, my family, the bad things that had happened, why I'd lost trust in men and not for one moment did he judge me. He held my hand and listened. I realised now why I liked him so much, because he made me feel safe. I realised just how comfortable I was with him. I didn't have to worry about my appearance or how I acted because he was above all that. It was at that moment that I realised how much I appreciated him doing this all in person, and how glad I was that I made the effort to come out and see him.

Neither of us had intended to stay longer than one drink, but when he decided he needed another, I realised I did too. It was truly strange, but we'd both felt suddenly liberated and really enjoyed ourselves. It was the strangest and best breakup. We talked, laughed and poked fun at each other. It was like we were on a great date and that there were no boundaries.

We knew it couldn't last forever, but neither of us wanted it to end. As we stood in the station, looking into each other's eyes, we both knew that we wouldn't be able to forget each other. When I felt his lips against my forehead I realised that although I knew this was coming, and although I knew I wasn't going to cry, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming surge of sadness. This beautiful person was leaving me, and we were both leaving it to fate to see what our future had in store for us. As his lips lingered against my skin, I didn't want to let go and yet I didn't want to hold onto him any longer. As we turned our seperate ways, I tried not to look back, until I saw his head turn away as he walked off. I felt a lump in my throat, but the tears never came. I hope they never do.

Jazz and romance...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee, looking at his picture. Yes, I finally got his picture as I asked for it in a roundabout way (said that it wasn't right he had pictures of me from presentation night to show his friends/work pals and I didn't have any). So this is what it's like to be romanced... taking things so slow. It's an odd feeling, I don't think I've been properly romanced like this. As sad as that sounds, it's so true. Only because I now realise that I tend to rush things.

Apparently he has the tendancy too, but this time, unspokenly, we both are taking it slow, and I like it. Dating, such a romantic concept. Sitting in a jazz restaurant, both dressed up, spending the evening dining on fine food, listening to great music and wrapped up in each other and great conversation. Learning about each other, building your profile of that person gradually. Learning what you have in common, understanding your differences. I can't help but blush everytime I think of how his eyes trace my lips, then my cheeks and then rest on my eyes. Those gorgeous blue eyes.

Somehow, I already trust him. I know that he doesn't want to hurt me. But I also know that there is that potential that I will. I know I will get attached to him and I know that there IS that possibility of getting hurt. But when you are in any relationship there is always that potential, so why allow yourself to become consumed with that worry? I did in my last relationship and I could never enjoy it. But then so was he and he constantly reminded me of it, so why did either of us hold on?

No, this one, this one seems to have a slightly more mature approach to life. Yes, we had a discussion about relationship, yes he poured a jug of ice cold water on me about what he thought of my opinions/beliefs. But he did not poo-poo them which I was greatful for, he was just a little more realistic about it. He made me feel better about it by pulling me close, kissing me on the lips ever so gently and stating that he would definitely see me again.

I like him, and hopefully I'll be able to pace myself a little more. I think we both want to, which can only be a good thing...

You know, I don't remember!

I forget what he looks like. I keep forgetting what he looks like and it's a sign that I really like him. That's why I always find a way of getting pictures of those I crush on, because if I really like them, I will forget what they look like.

It sounds absurd, but it's so true.

I know he's 6', with wavy black hair and peircing blue eyes. I know he has a slim nose and very soft, kissable lips. I know just how sharp his gaze is when he looks up at me as he takes a bite out of his sandwich. I know he has a slim build that looks good in just jeans and a t-shirt. I know when he pulls away and smiles, it's only to me, and for his own self-satisfaction. I know when I'm tucking into my danish he watches as I slice it into lady-like mouthfuls. I know his eyes light up when I start talking about comics and graphic novels. I also know his body wants to kick its heels when I say I've seen his work... and actually paid to see it. I know he doubles over when something really tickles him, even when he's walking. I know how solid his slim frame feels when he pulls me close, how my hand fits his perfectly when I take it.

There are moments during the day when something will happen and I'll get a flash of one of his expressions and it all comes flooding back. I sit back and let myself bask in them because I've learnt that if I try too hard, they will never come back to me or they'll be distorted. But I'll hear something or smell his cologne and remember how he makes me smile. Or how I look up and I see a pair of beautiful blue eyes looking back at me. I just don't know how he does it... and I don't know why I let him either...

Damn, I like this one... oh well.