Looking up for directions

There are times when you sit on your own and you just feel isolated. You picture what the outside world looks like. It hasn't been that long since you last went out, but because you haven't been out regularly or have had that habitual contact with the same people, everything becomes a blur and does not count.

I never thought it would happen to me, but I've reached a point where everything is repetitive. It's scary when you finally understand just what American Psycho (the BOOK) was all about. The repetition, the people, the faces, the rituals... everything becomes routine. You try to break away and yet the thing you do to take a break become the same thing. I used to think walking from Wardour Street to Liverpool Street station was a nice break, listening to the music on my iPod, possibly snapping a few pictures on my camera. But things have become the same. It's scary how you realise that your life has a routine that you thought you were once happy with, but now become lifeless in.

I sit here going through my mobile, looking through the numbers, and with each name I come across there is an excuse not to phone them. They'll be too busy. They will wonder what I want. They'll be asleep at this time of the night. They won't be in the country. Then you realise that you don't want conversation, but just to listen to someone else's voice, because you're tired of hearing your own. It is your voice inside your head and you just want to open it up to someone else, listen to another person. The one or two people you try to reach out to are not available, and that's when it hits you... just how alone you really are.

I am still not sure how to take that. I.am.alone. I'm not sure if that is a bad or a good thing. Is it bad that I don't feel particularly affected by it? Is it good that I feel indifferent to it? Should I be depressed that I'm this apathetic to it all? Should I end it all? Jump off a building and see what happens? Whether I'll hit the ground or fly?

"God gave me style and grace,
"God put a smile upon my face."

I don't know what my goal is in life anymore. I lack true inspiration and I wonder if it has dried up. When I was fighting for my dreams I needed release and wrote. Now, I sit here and wonder, just what happens next? Will I ever snap out of it? Or am I just going to drift along?

I'm not looking for someone to save me, I'm looking for...

Under the street lamp is...

I wish I wasn't 26.
I wish I wasn't addicted to men.
I wish I didn't have a weakness for men who have sweet smiles, but even sexier voices.
I wish I didn't have a weakness for men who are 6'+.

Dr. Pete Finch tells Adison that he's going to kiss her, and kiss her with tongue so she can feel it. My mind drifts to that night, standing under the street lamp, staring into each other's eyes, our respective hands in our pockets. He stands there looking down at me with such a sexy smile. "I was just wondering if I could kiss you." It was probably from the sambuca I had minutes earlier which probably made me bug my eyes. I started babbling, but that didn't put him off. He leaned in and I could feel a pair of lips press against mine. I was quiet and I was lifted away...

I love that feeling. Those 'lamp light' moments where you can feel the tension, your heart flutters, your skin tingles. You may close your eyes but you can see what's coming. Your lips part in slight anticipation. Your curiosity reaches its peak, wondering how they'll kiss you, will it be good? Will it be earth shattering? Will it be like two slugs meeting in the night? Will he smell good or will he stink of garlic? Or worse, are you going to get hooked on him?

My hands never left my pockets that night, but they didn't need to. My lips were tingling and I honestly couldn't think of anything. I was lost in that moment. I want more of those moments. I will one day meet someone who will always give me those moments. Moments where my breath is caught in my throat. Moments where I cannot feel my toes because all the blood is rushing to my head. Moments where my hands want to be everywhere but can't because I only have two of them. Moments where I don't want them to end. I will meet someone like that, I just have to get past all the frogs first...